Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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