Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I still have a little drunk in my system
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
