My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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