Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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