I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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