I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
