Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
