we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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