i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
