A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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