How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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