apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
