i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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