It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
