I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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