Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
