In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
