i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Randomize
