quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
