I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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