I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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