You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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