There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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