I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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