I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
