Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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