Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
