Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
