I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
