Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Man, jail baloney is awful.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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