great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
