Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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