Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
