What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
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