It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize