Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
