Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
