dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
