I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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