Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
