When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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