i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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