Cold hands, warm shart.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
