I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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