i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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