I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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