I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize