Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
