ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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