I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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