1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
