pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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