Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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