Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
