Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
