If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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