You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
