What did we do last night that was yellow?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My ATM looks so different sober.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Randomize
